My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
