Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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