You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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