Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
