i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
