oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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