this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
