My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
