I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
