Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
