eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
high people should be assigned attendants
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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