I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize