Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
