The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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