Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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