If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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