he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize