Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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