So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
