I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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