totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
