I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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