3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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