just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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