I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
