The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
