we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
