I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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