How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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