Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize