I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize