i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
