I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm at about main and main street
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
