Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
