she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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