just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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