got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
