i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
