I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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