So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
