My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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