Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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