that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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