dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
