Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
