I'm passing your future prison.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
