I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
