i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
