Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
