I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
