There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize