I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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