NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
