God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
