if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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