I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
