The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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