I am spending my child support on dildos
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
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