I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Randomize